Many parents today wrestle with how to approach the topic of sexuality and gender with their children. I think many of us are tempted to put it off far longer than we should, hoping that somehow by NOT talking about it, our children will be ignorant until they get to health class and hear about “the birds & the bees” for the first time. The unfortunate truth is the first – and the majority – of conversations about sexuality and gender I experienced in my life took place on the back of a public school bus. As you might imagine, that was not exactly filtered through a responsible adult’s guidance – much less a Christian or Biblical worldview. The first time I viewed pornography was as a third grader when a sixth grader – from that same bus route – showed me his father’s magazines. And that was BEFORE the internet was as prevalent as it is today. That was BEFORE social media or smart phones.

In today’s society, the average age they are introduced to sexual topics, pornography, etc. is younger than ever before as many of their classmates, neighbors, peers may broach the topic well before mom and dad feel “ready” to discuss it. This means it is vitally important that Christian parents begin having healthy, bible-based conversations with their children about God’s design for their bodies, their gender, their sexuality, their relationships, and marriage. If you don’t teach your kids how to think about these things – the world will. You need to know what they are reading and watching. What TV shows are they interested in? What games are they playing? Pop culture continues to have a greater impact than we realize. That doesn’t mean you have to cut them off ENTIRELY (though I’d recommend waiting longer than you think you should to give that kid a smart phone or internet access!). But one incredibly helpful resource in that regard is the book The Pop Culture Parent by Ted Turnau, et al. Not only will they help you think through some of these things, but they give practical examples for various ages & stages of parenting your kids and teenagers.

The truth is when it comes to talking to your kids about sex, this notion of having “the talk” is actually misguided from the get-go. The reality is children need multiple “talks” as they grow and mature. Parents of small children need to be helping your kids to have a healthy view of their bodies and an understanding of boundaries and what constitutes inappropriate touching. A helpful resource we have used is: God Made All Of Me by Justin & Lindsey Holcomb. Not only that, but regardless of your church background, it is also important to use tools like catechisms to train your kids in understanding the basic foundations of gender & God’s created order. I’ll never forget when my 4 year old son at the time first asked – as if it were a joke – “Daddy what if two BOYS got married!?” But rather than laugh we were able to remind him of the New City Catechism question he had memorized which was “How and why did God create us?” And my son quickly responded “God created us male and female in his own image to glorify him.” Because we had laid that foundation I was able to then talk about the importance of why two boys don’t marry (because God intends marriage to display the diversity & unity of male and female only), how God created us in distinct genders, and why he did so for his glory and our good – all in a way a 4 year old could comprehend at the time.

But again, these are conversations we should continue to have as they grow because there will be opportunities to answer the question “Where do babies come from?” over and over again. Your 3 year old just needs to hear: “God makes babies in mommy’s belly.” Your 6 year old just needs to hear: “When mommy & daddy married each other, one day our love led to you.” But by the time your kid reaches 9, 10, 11 – you’re going to want to have a more intentional conversation about sex before the world has a chance to corrupt their views. That is why I recommend having “the talk” with pre-teens because if you wait until they are 13 or later, you’ll find that they’ve already begun to hear things regardless of how sheltered they are, regardless of their schooling choice, regardless of their access to the internet. You do well to protect them in all these ways, but you also need to equip them.

So what follows is a simple breakdown of topics to cover when you want to have “the talk” with your pre-teen. But just like you want to have several conversations over the years, even “the talk” itself needs to be multiple discussions. Last year I took my 10 year old son on a “Coming of Age” trip where we took 3 days and stayed in a hotel, went to sea world, ate at a Brazilian steakhouse etc. If at all possible, I HIGHLY recommend this tactic for some sort of getaway. We built it up for weeks, and he was so excited and his siblings were so jealous – which is a good thing! You want them to be looking forward to their own trip. And over the course of those 3 days, I intentionally wove in the following topics for us to discuss. I’ve broken it down into 4 categories, but even those we would have spent 2-3 different 30 minute windows discussing various aspects, depending on what needed more explanation or what questions he had. 

Now, for boys the general rule is they talk best when you’re driving or doing something together. So most of our talks took place in my truck coming & going, some at dinner, but usually side-by-side. Girls, on the other hand, will tend to want to have the talk eye-to-eye. So this year, my wife is taking our soon to be 10 year old daughter on her “Coming of Age” trip and many of their talks will take place at night in the hotel room, where they have extended time to do hair, nails, etc. as they have the heart-to-hearts. Depending on your kids’ personalities and temperament, they may take more probing and prodding as you discuss. You’ll need to gauge how he or she is comprehending. You don’t want to overwhelm them with information, so having breaks is a good thing. But make sure you follow up when you pick the conversation back up. Don’t just ask yes or no questions! Ask clarifying, open-ended questions. Remind me again why it’s important to save sex for marriage? Why is _______ a sinful distortion of God’s design? Why do you think God designed you this way? What questions do YOU have?

And that last part is especially important. Make sure to not rush it, and take time to honestly answer your kids’ questions. Even if it is awkward. Especially if it is awkward. This is your shot where they actually CARE what you have to say about it. Plant those seeds. Lay that foundation. Sharpen those “arrows in your quiver” by teaching them the truth from God’s Word. Even if you work through all that you can think to cover and more, the goal is still not just to have a weekend’s worth of talks, but to establish a safe haven and relationship dynamic with your son or daughter so that you can bring things back up from time to time as they get older and so that hopefully they will feel comfortable asking you questions in the weeks, months, and years ahead.

All that said, here’s my roadmap for navigating “the talk(s)” with your pre-teen. It is not thoroughly exhaustive, per se, as there may indeed be other things worth discussing, but hopefully this is a thorough enough starting point. Read over it ahead of time. Pray about it. Have your kids read these passages ALOUD with you as you begin discussing these things. Make it normal to talk about Jesus with your kids. Make it normal to talk about sex with your kids. We should never be embarrassed to talk about what God wasn’t embarrassed to create for his glory and our good!

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1: God’s Design for Marriage & Family

• Have them read: Genesis 1:26-2:25 & Ephesians 5:22-6:4
• KEY TAKEAWAYS:
  • Marriage is God’s good idea.
  • Marriage is a picture of the Gospel.
  • Men are to be the spiritual leader of the home, who leads in order to serve.
  • Women are to be the helper (in Hebrew, ezer – warrior/helper – God calls himself this elsewhere) who makes the man & home better through encouragement & accountability.
  • Children are good gifts from God, and career must always come 2nd to the home.

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2: God’s Design for Sexuality & Gender

• Have them read: 1 Corinthians 7:1-5; Proverbs 5:18-19; Song of Songs 8:4
• KEY TAKEAWAYS:
  • Sex is God’s good idea.
  • Sex is only meant for a man & women in marriage context.
  • Sex is about loving your spouse more than yourself.
  • Practical understanding of how sex works.
  • Your changing body (boys physically incl. erection/wet dreams, girls physically incl. menstruation/periods & important for both to understand the other so as to be sensitive to siblings/peers.)

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3: Brokenness in Marriage & Family

• Have them read: Matthew 19:3-9; 1 Corinthians 7:10-15; Psalm 139:13-16; Exodus 21:22-25
• KEY TAKEAWAYS:
  • Divorce
    • Why there are limited exceptions (adultery, abandonment, abuse)
    • What unhealthy marriages look like & how to be a husband/wife that loves well and knows when you’re being loved well.
  • Abortion
    • Why life begins at conception, etc.
    • The Imago Dei on all people (young/old, disabled, different races/classes/etc.)
  • Fornication & Adultery
    • What those words mean.
    • Why they matter – Sex w/o covenant is soul-destroying because God designed you to be safe & loved.

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4: Brokenness in Sexuality & Gender

• Have them read: 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5; Matthew 5:27-30; Romans 1:18-32; 1 Corinthians 6:9-20
• KEY TAKEAWAYS:
  • Proper Physical/Sexual Boundaries
    • We don’t look at/touch or allow others to look at/touch our private areas.
    • If someone pressures you in any way you “flee” get out of the situation and come talk to mom/dad.
    • We don’t want to get “as close as possible” to sin, so we honor the Lord with our bodies.
  • Porn & Masturbation
    • What is lust? What is masturbation? Why is it wrong?
    • The reason we have strict technology rules.
    • We want a safe environment for you to come to mom/dad. If you see something, hear something, say something to us
  • Homosexuality
    • The further from God’s design for marriage, the greater the sinful distortion.
    • Why this distorts the Gospel-picture we already discussed (Because the man/husband images Christ who sacrificially leads, and the woman/wife images the church.)
  • Transgenderism
    • Confusion that exists in our world today, and we love them but don’t play pretend w/them.
    • God didn’t make a mistake with your gender.
    • Being a female is more than dresses, makeup, etc. (and vice versa for males – more than machismo, facial hair, etc.)

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For additional resources, check out Harvest USA’s free online courses for “Raising Sexually Faithful Kids” and “Parenting Boys and Girls in a Gender-Confused World”.